I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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