Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
