He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
