She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
