I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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