Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
