I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
