Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
