I faked an abortion last night.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
