she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
