i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
so let's talk penis.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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