We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
