Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
