Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
