You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
