I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
