I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
