I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Randomize
