It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
