you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
