Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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