Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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