Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
