Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I think my moral compass just broke
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