Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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