he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
