First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
