Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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