Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Oh god it's open bar.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I think i got beer on your cat.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
