in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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