Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
