The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
