As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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