I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Randomize
