Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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