i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
