Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You have to summon your inner elephant
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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