70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
