I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
