it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
