God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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