dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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