dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
