If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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