I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Sorry my hands just texted you
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
