I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
