If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We had sex on a dog bed..
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
