i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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