Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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