I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
