I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
