Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
