Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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